Total Pageviews

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Another day down

Today was the 2nd day after his surgery and Dad is doing well. Doc said his X-rays look great and that the lung will heal nicely. The incision doesn't look too bad, either, but I know it is going to suck real bad as it begins to heal. The hardest part as a family, we still face. I see how frustrated and upset my dad gets and how angry that makes him and this doesn't bode well for the mental healing to come.
We still have a LONG road to go, because this wasn't even the main concern with the cancer. This took priority due to the location, but it metastasized from the tumor in his quad, so we still have to get that figured out.
This is how it breaks down, so far: his tumor was about 7.9" long, 5.5" wide and 4.7" deep at the last measurement. I believe that this was back in the beginning of July. There is clear evidence of necrosis within the tumor (it's dying) though I haven't been told how much. The official diagnosis is soft tissue sarcoma, though I haven't been given a subtype as yet and I also have not been told whether or not it has been staged. From what little research I've done (and trust me that was too much) there are 3 or 4 factors that go into staging the sarcoma. It depends on the depth and size of the tumor as well as the "grade" and whether or not it has spread to or beyond the lungs. Apparently the lungs is the first party it holds when it's decided that it's traveling time. The mass in his upper lobe of the left lung was about 1/2" across, they tested the margins (took a little extra all the way around) and the lymph nodes and both tests returned negative. The mass itself was returned positive and was also confirmed to be the offspring of the original mass in his leg.
Now, all of this sounded horrifying to me until the Oncologist put it all into perspective in the beginning.
The tumor in his leg is only about 15% of the size of his muscle, due to the size of the muscles in his leg. He's worked construction or construction related jobs all of his adult life. In the typical person with average sized quad muscles, this would typically equate to around 30% or so. This is really good news. As for the lungs, the MRI's were showing these spots from day 1 and they were assumed to be scarring or calcification from his history of his line of work and possibly from the extensive exposure to concrete dust. The Drs have kept an eye on them since they first saw them. There were 3 in the left lung, 2 of which went away, the other stayed at around 1/4" in size from March until the beginning of July, which is when they noticed that it had grown. He's had at least 1 MRI every month since the diagnosis. In the right, there is definitely showing of 1 mass around 1/4" or a little less and it's too deep into the tissue to remove right now. There is also a possible 2nd mass, but the last MRI wasn't clear enough for the thoracic surgeon to be positive about a call.
He has gone through the highest and strongest dose of chemotherapy that is given to humans, 3 days every 21 for 8 hours/day from March 12 to the end of May. Then he was told to wait for a few weeks and to get the radiation done, which he did every day for 6 weeks, I think. That radiation totally microwaved the meat in his leg where the tumor was, but it did it's job by beginning the dying process int he primary tumor, after which we needed to wait about 3 weeks for it to heal so he can have the tumor removed without making hamburger out of the tissue in his leg. Unfortunately the musculo-skeletal oncologist admitted to dropping the ball and said that he should have started Dad on radiation the very next Monday after chemo was over.
The entire length of the chemo treatment, my father was doing great. He was a bit nauseous, but was only really sick one time. That was the fault of one of the receptionists in the office changing his arrival time and them having to administer an 8 hour treatment in less than 4, as not to screw up the whole rotation of chemo that had been worked out.
We were told that after the chemo and radiation were done, we were looking at a 2 or 3 week wait until the surgery would be scheduled to remove the primary tumor, if everything went as planned. Naturally when the Dr told us how well everything was going, we got excited that things would possibly be happening up to 2 months earlier than we originally planned. WELL, then here we are.
I think the worst part of all of this is the mental state I see my father falling into and not being able to do anything about it or help him at all. He was quite pissed earlier because of the physical situation he's been put in with this surgery. My father is a very independent and private person. He is the kind of person that doesn't walk around his own house without a shirt on. Unfortunately, the glass fishbowl of the ICU didn't have that type of atmosphere and when you add that to the fact that the nurses don't worry about whether your curtains are closed when they undress you and that your toilet facilities are minimally concealed by a very thin curtain, you get a very angry man on your hands. He's also dealing with a lot of anxiety and experienced his first panic attack last night. Now that he was finally transported to a private room, things should hopefully get a little easier for him.
Rumor has it that he's supposed to be released tomorrow sometime, but it's dependent on his level of function and ability when the Dr comes in to see him. So, if you've been praying for us, please keep it going. We all could use it, but mostly my dad, he needs to be calm and find some quiet and peace for at least a few minutes every few hours and to look at what he'll have once this is all over.
Thanks for "listening" to me ramble. Go have an adventure, or sleep in and waste the day tomorrow. But whatever you do, enjoy it and tell those that complain about it to kiss your ass and mind their own freaking bees wax!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Exhaustion, nervous giggles and inappropriate humor. It's how we roll.

Well today was surgery and things have gone smoothly. Dad's doing awesome, but is in a lot of pain. (they did cut apart some muscle and rib bone, puncture and collapse his lung and remove a section of lung tissue, so what else would he be expecting?) While this has been the longest day since this whole cancer shindig started, it has not been the worst.
Now, don't get me wrong, obviously it was no walk in the park. We didn't have a party or anything, but it went well, there were no complications, the surgery was over quickly and this place is actually quiet compared to most hospitals I've been in.
There was much more laughing going on as we waited, than most people feel is appropriate. We really didn't care. My mother, brother and Uncle (Dad's youngest brother) and I all sat in the waiting room during surgery and put together a puzzle while making the MOST inappropriate jokes and giggling somewhat hysterically due to being SO overtired, but it's been a good day.
I bring this message to you from the bedside of my dad while he's in the SCU ("Special Care Unit" same as ICU, just for tards?) just to have some quiet time and make sure he's got someone here with him in case he needs anything before the staff makes me leave.
Mom's brother came up for a while and visited, which was cool, but he had to take off due to family and work. Next to shuffle out completely exhausted with the beginning of a migraine was Dad's brother, then I made Mom and my brother take off since my mother looked horribly exhausted and I know she hasn't slept for more than 2 hours from the anxiety. I am currently running on less than an hour of sleep, but had a great night talking with a friend that I don't get to see nearly enough and even though he's falling asleep intermittently, I know my Dad's ok and it's a chance to just be.
All in all, today has been a long, but good day. Between the puzzles, jokes, giggling, round of "Life" on the iPhone and my Dad's lung being in the clear now, I can't say it was a wasted day.
I just really hope that the next time we have to do this it goes as smoothly and the staff is half as nice as the one here at Moffitt, cause the TGH Staff were pretty rude when we had the biopsy done and one never knows how easily I may snap. lol
I hope everyone has had at least a decent day and thank you all for any thoughts, prayers and well wishes for my dad and the rest of us.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Ah, stress, how our friendship has blossomed

Well, today is another day and surprisingly I don't feel the need to smash anything or maim anyone, yet. But it IS still quite early.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, did some housework, had to explain to the husband and kids that I am not a slave or maid and I will be limiting the dishes that we are all allowed to use so I'm not spending FOREVER cleaning the ones no one else does. After that continuous hour of bitching and preaching we went over to the 'rents' house so Dad and I could go to another gun shop. Dad wanted to talk to the guy about showing me how to break down the firearm we have, so I agreed. Hey, any excuse to go look at firearms, my testosterone is overwhelming some days. They had a few nice pieces, but nothing that made me drool.
The guy at the counter looked at my handgun and explained that breakdown wasn't really necessary and it was a pain in the ass, so it may be better to skip unless absolutely necessary, and that was that.
The trip was awkward, both there and back. Apparently Dad read an email that I forwarded to my mother and was super pissed off about some of the stuff I mentioned, but he was mad at mom, not me because it was referring to stuff she says about him somedays. Our family is usually quite loud, but yesterday otw to and from the shop, it was almost complete silence.
Then otw home from the shop, my father explains that he's nervous and scared about the cancer and the surgery, but he can't show it in front of my mother because she gets irritated and pissed off. Let me tell you, I come from a family of master fucking communicators. Woo. Until recently with the cancer diagnosis, my Dad wasn't really one to communicate his feelings AT ALL, you never really saw him cry or get truly upset, unless it was at a funeral. If he was upset about something, it usually was only seen through his frustration, cussing and yelling. Now, this sounds really horrible, but this cancer has been a reason and the catalyst for my father to communicate what he's feeling. Let me tell you, it's more of a curse than a blessing.
31 years of reading my father's actions and reading between the lines of what he's saying and all of a sudden there's this life altering news and now he has to throw him discussing feelings into the mix. I'm going to school for psychology, so I know that something of this caliber changes people's attitudes and lives. I knew that before I took a psych course, but when you're living it, it's a bit different. It's all very new and still really REALLY awkward.
Up until late Feb, I had only seen my father tear up or cry maybe 6-8 times in my 30 years and all were funerals, births and my wedding. In the last few months, I've seen my father tear up or cry out of fear, anger, frustration, and who knows what else. Do you have ANY idea how weird that is? He's my father and I love him and most of the time when he cries, it's not something you would notice unless you really knew him or were looking for it, but I see it and it scares the shit out of me. I want to hug him and just sit on his lap when I see it, but I think if I did that, #1 he'd scream in pain, because of the giant tumor in his leg and I'm no small girl, and #2, I am a little afraid that he'd punch me. lol
All this sharing and musing is brought to you today by the pre-op appt I'm going to with him in a few hours. It's hard to explain what's going on in my head or how I'm feeling at anytime, unless I'm super pissed off. (as evidenced by the post from the other day, see "And now I've heard it all...") It's kind of like grieving, but not. I kind of feel like it's not really happening sometimes, other times I feel like it's some cosmic joke that is never ending. Other times I feel overwhelmed by the frustration and lack of control I have over my life right now. And there are some days where I wake up and feel like I'm just floating around watching it all happen from outside my body and it's some massive nightmare. Honestly, I really wish this whole year was just some massive nightmare, between the 2 moves into crappy situations, the lack of money, the cancer and all of the bad news we keep getting. I tend to wonder where all of this is coming from.
I've told you that I'm not Christian, which the few of you here already know, but I wholeheartedly believe in karma and I believe that everything you do pays you back in some form. I'm just really starting to wonder if there was some other life I've lived where I was like some sort of war lord or human trafficker or if maybe I was a slave driver or sweat shop owner, because in less than a 6 month time frame I've had more Universal shitty-ness happen than most people I've met and I don't get it.
Well, I guess that's my morning novel, so I'll go and try to pretend to be normal for another day. I need to shower and get ready to go. I'll probably get another entry up this evening, after the appt and after I go help a friend pack her stuff for her move. I just have to survive the next 33 days of chaos before I have some semblance of normalcy in the form of the fall semester of school. Fingers crossed that we can all make it that long.
Go out and have an awesome adventure, or at least stay out of jail. After all, that's my goal for the day.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

And now I've heard it all ***INUNDATED WITH PROFANITY***

Well, today was an ok day. Cleaned the guns with Dad and hubby, hubby got under my skin, as per usual and was close to getting stabbed, Dad was in a good mood, hung with the parents for the day, watched the world cup (Awesome job, USA, you'll get those sushi makers next time!) was relaxing for a change. No real cancer talk, except for the plan for pre-op for Dad. Then we come home....
A few days ago I decided it was a good idea to email an old friend that I've known for years. Most of my life, to be honest. My father and her mother have known each other since being teenagers, we grew up together after I was about 11, went different directions in life (I took the douche road, she took a scholarship and college education), lost touch for a while, started getting close again, then Dad's diagnosis hit. We'd hung out, her, her sister, my husband, our kids and I for a few months, very often and had a great time and what I thought was a pretty solid friendship. No using and abusing or back stabbing, really straight-forward almost grown up friendship. She and her sister lost their father to cancer almost a year ago, so when we got the diagnosis, I knew it would be hard for them to hear, but figured that the semi-good prognosis we got would be a little easier and that maybe we did have some people in our lives that understood what we were facing and the fear and anxiety and shock we felt...
Boy was I fucking wrong. After we got the news and finally set up treatment (which only took about a week and a half) I spoke to them the day prior to Dad's first treatment. I told one of them how scared I was and how I'm the kind of person that needs distractions and people around to help me keep my sanity and not completely break down. I know they are the opposite and tend to isolate, but I thought they understood where I was coming from, so when I didn't hear from either of them for 3 months I finally broke down and emailed.
I explained the current situation, said I knew that it was probably hard for them to hear and understood that it was probably something that they had a hard time facing. I also told them how hurt and super pissed off I was that they just walked the fuck away like it was nothing. After all, they've known my dad Since they were about 8 and 11. I explained that I missed them and being able to hang out, but I was also furious that the ONLY people that I thought I could talk to about all of this and who could possibly grasp the fear and anxiety and heartbreak I was experiencing just didn't seem to care. Now, prior to all of this I did ask how they were doing, how their mom was and how school and jobs were going. I also began with the I miss you part, not the "you guys are total dick bags, how could you" part or the "oh, hey, Dad's getting part of his lung chopped off in a week or so" part.
The response I received was infuriating and the reasoning was fucking laughable, AT BEST. I was told that I couldn't possibly understand their feelings about it and that they didn't have a father and I do, so I couldn't see how it upset them. They couldn't deal with how negative I am, mind you I'm the same amount of asshole I was 20 years ago, maybe less, and that it's hard for them to deal with any of this because I still have my dad and it hasn't been a year yet since theirs has passed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? So, you can't hang around or fucking talk to me for 3 months because my father hasn't died from this fucking shitty cancer? THAT'S YOUR PSYCHO REASON? And I was also told that I needed to back up and analyze myself before giving advice after posting on FB (aka the downfall of humanity and accountability of action and words) that I thought some people needed psych evals and I needed to remove them from my life. Now, that was something I posted, but it was directed at the shitty 20 year olds that bitch about their parents not buying them what they want or that they can't afford that new $45 bra from Victoria's Secret they want and THOSE are the bitches I dropped out of my life. 2 weeks after that I dropped all of the "Unknowns" and acquaintances off my friends list, then in another week or 2 I dropped the rest of the people I didn't feel needed to know what was going on with my father. Then I waited another week after other updates to see if there were many that inquired about how he was dealing with chemo or how his walking was doing or how the rest of us were coping with the newest clusterfuck that was happening before deleting the long time, some life long, friends and relatives that didn't seem to give a rats ass about the situation. They were in the LAST group. That was 1 full month, maybe a little longer AFTER the treatments began. AFTER the phones calls where I left messages, emails and texts when I said I just needed someone to talk to and listen to me vent because I couldn't hold it together on my own. You know how many people responded to any of that? DO YOU? 3, maybe. 3 fucking people out of the 30 or so I thought could be half way decent fucking humans and bother to check on my dad or answer when I call or call when they got my unintelligible sobbing voicemail. Got news for you, neither of those 2 were any of those 3. 1 of them was my mother, so technically it doesn't count, because we were kind of returning the same messages and calls to each other that we were making.
So I ask you this, if you were to have a friend, close or even half way between friend and acquaintance that was dealing with something you'd gone through recently and you were scared because it fucked you all up, would you just walk away and carry on knowing they had no one else other than family that was also dealing with it? What about if you had lost your mother to liver cancer 2 years prior and a friend you've known for 20 years calls and tells you that their mother has stage 3 cancer and has been given 6 months to live? Would you say "Oh so sorry, gotta run, hope it turns out alright. I'll wear a bracelet (that millions of others wear) and write their name on a piece of paper." cause it's awkward and upsetting and then just walk away from the people you grew up with? Or would you be a fucking human and at least call that person, or their parent who's dealing with the disease, just to see how things are going and ask if they wanna go have a drink or wanna go beat the shit out of something to get the anger out?
Would you be jealous and angry, at almost 30, because they still had a parent and yours had passed and use that as a reason not to be a friend?
WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently I'm the asshole cause you hurt me by walking away, but I didn't take into account that it's kinda rubbing it in your face that my Dad's LIVING with cancer, while it took yours. Sorry about that. Next time I'll remember that before I talk to anyone who's lost a parent, child, sibling or spouse about anything I'm dealing with, no matter how long I've known them. After all, why should I be upset or scared since they're at least still hear? I'll wait until they're gone before I bother you with my negativity and harsh your buzz again with my unreasonable fears.
Some of this may sound childish on my part, but I'm pissed off, my feelings are hurt and I have nothing to loose my anger on today but this cyber-notebook.
Hope your night was better than mine and I hope your enemies aren't half as dickish as my "friends".

Saturday, July 16, 2011

As expected, it was awesome

Well, it's been a long day. I had a great day with my dad, just hanging out and being together without having to yell at kids or compete with the attitudes and such of everyone. The CWP class was good, LONG, but good. The people at the Antelope Club we went to were wonderful, the videos were ridiculously outdated and hilarious and the "would you shoot" scenarios were all pretty much a yes. lol
Didn't shoot nearly enough rounds, found out that I'm not happy with our tiny 9 mm, looking into a .45 semi-auto. The 9 we have has plastic crap grips and Dad suggested just getting new ones, but the gun itself is unbalanced and too small and light for my man hands and testosterone level, so we're officially on the hunt for a nice .45. I'd LOVE to have a Sig Sauer, but I refuse to drop $600 on a firearm when we have yet to hit the lottery or sell one of the kids.
There were some beautiful firearms at the range today and there were also some really irritating people that couldn't follow simple directions. One man had a .40 and it was GORGEOUS and the thunder in my chest when he was the last one unloading his rounds was amazing.
Dad and I went to Knight's shooting before the class today to look at the .45 military issue semi-auto we saw last week, but as the story of my life goes, it was sold YESTERDAY! I almost cried. We also went to another dealer and they had a smorgasbord of firearms to choose from. (see the $600 Sig from above) I didn't want to leave, but I really wanted to take the class.
Dad and I had a talk about his wishes when the time comes and I told him that I didn't think my mom would be able to handle it, so I needed to know what he wanted and didn't. He doesn't have an advanced directive or living will, yet, but is gonna get one figured out, doesn't want a DNR signed unless there's no alternative so he's not the next Terri Schaivo. At some point this week I have to sit him down and get him to let me in on what he's thinking, so I can make sure he gets what he wants when it comes down to it. All he said definitively is that he THINKS he wants to be cremated. Thanks for that clear answer, Dad. lol It's not something I ever wanted to think about or be faced with, but knowing that he's having major surgery in less than a week, I think it's important that he knows that I'm willing to be the one who makes sure his wishes are conveyed. This also saves my mother another broken heart, cause she had to sign one for her mom in 1988 and 3 years ago she watched my grandfather, her dad, pass away under the hands of the EMT's that were trying to save his life. This also takes the obligation off of my brother who isn't currently capable of communicating how he feels about anything unless he's pissed off. Only problem we're facing here is the fact that FL says Mom has the say so, unless he signs the Power of Attorney over to me in the event of.... Seriously doubt he's willing to face the wrath of Mom to do that.
I know I'm talking a big game right now and I'm sure that I would be a giant ball of psychotic moosh when it came down to it, but shit, do I have a good game face or what? This whole cancer thing sucks major ass. I just can't figure out why the fuck it had to be Dad, ya know? My mom's not coping AT ALL and we joke about it, but if something happens to my dad, she's gonna be fucking useless and possibly suicidal. I can't handle that, too. I can't even imagine what's going through her mind. I know it's rough, cause both of her parents are gone and she only has 1 brother that we only see maybe once a year, if we're lucky. I don't know what to do with or for her. To be honest, I'm barely holding it together most days. Just trying to think it's not as bad as it could be until I get different news, I guess.
Well, sorry that I turned into Debbie fucking Downer so quick, just the ADD kicking in again. It's worse when I have so much to talk about and no one to really SAY it to, I guess. Gonna go put the youngest kid to bed and maybe read a bit.
Have an awesome Sunday. Go to church or something, you sinning bastards. lol

Today is gonna be FUCKIN AWESOME!

I'm packing up the kids and heading to the 'rents house shortly. Kids are gonna hang out with my mother while I go spend the day with my dad. We're going to go out to breakfast for a little while, but then comes the real awesome part. We're going to take a concealed weapons course and we each get to fire off about 100 rounds of ammo before coming home.
I know, I know, ONLY 100? I said the same thing. Dad swears that after 100, I'll be done. I swear that my father seriously underestimates the amount of built up rage and frustration I have. lol
Well, I'm off to hang with Dad, unfortunately we also have to talk about hard stuff before, like if he has a DNR order or any kind of advanced directive and what he wants done, should the worst come into play.
And now that I've killed the mood, including my own, I'm going now. Have a great weekend and cause some trouble in public. lol

Friday, July 15, 2011

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now free to be as happy or as miserable as I am at any given moment!

Well, July 24th marks the calendars of many in the state of New York. I'm sure that every calendar, paper and electronic, is highlighted in every possible color for hundreds, maybe thousands throughout the state. It's the day that many will cry with long awaited joy to publicly claim the RIGHT TO BE LEGALLY BOUND TO ANOTHER IN MARRIAGE!
That's right, folks, the state of New York's clerk's offices will be back logged with marriage licenses to fill for many weeks to come as gay men and women flock to the steps of their local court house to legally commit themselves to the person they choose. It's a long awaited day for many and a disgrace that they have had to wait for so long.
Some of you may disagree, and that's fine, but who are any of us to say that 2 people that are in love are not allowed to marry?
Just think, it wasn't long ago that the government refused to recognize the right of 2 to marry due to their skin color, or refused to allow some to vote for the same reason, OR refused to allow some to vote because they DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS! Why is this any different? Because they can't reproduce? BULLSHIT! There are many men and women out there that are sterile, do we refuse them the right to marry based on the fact that they aren't capable of adding to our already overwhelming population? No, so why is this any different?
Judges from all over NY are volunteering to work on Sunday, 7/24/11 to allow these couples to publicly proclaim their love for each other and have it legally recognized by the state. Regardless of these judge's personal beliefs, they will be working over time (not sure if they're getting paid) to officiate these weddings and be witness to millions of tears cried in relief and joy. If I had the financial ability, I would go to NY and high five every one of these judges personally for their commitment to their position, no matter their personal feeling on this matter. I would double high five the ones who don't personally agree with it, solely because there are many that would allow their personal view to interfere with their duty as a public servant and they aren't part of that category.
So, on that note, I'm going to feed my hungry, close to rebellion minions and be happy for the miserable company I will have from many states away in a very short time. lol Now, if only Florida's law makers and voters would pull their heads out of their asses long enough to do the same, it would be an even better day, but until then, my kids and husband and I have our signs ready for the next protest and we're waiting for an opportunity to support our same-gender oriented friends in their pursuit of wedded bliss. (Boy are they in for a big surprise. lol)
The adventure of another day begins now......

For more on the Judges plans and the story mentioned above, go the the NY Times link down in the comments to read the story. I hope it makes you smile and tear up like it did me. Friggin posting board won't let me paste a link. lol

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Dammit. Stole this from my facebook. Is it technically plaigarism if I'm not getting anything out of it?

I feel like I'm at that "just existing" stage right now and I HATE it. I can't explain it, I can't explain what I'm feeling, it's just like an emotional limbo. I feel like I'm waiting. Technically I am, but it's a constant thing. I really want school to start back up. I want to learn and do new things, I want to rush around and do research and write papers and read. I want to take tests and stress about deadlines and scream in traffic when I'm running behind. I want the thrill of the first A of the semester and the disappointment of getting a grade that I know could have been better. I want assignments and due dates and extra credit and the people watching. 
I don't want to wait for another bill collector to call or another day in an 82 degree house all day or another phone call with bad news that's going to make me want to explode and scream and cry. I WANT NORMAL! I want schedules and healthy family members and beer drinking football watching cookout days. I want 100s of 1000s of these days. I DON'T want to feel like there aren't enough of these days left and I don't want to feel like I have to fake smiles and rush the fun. I want this FUCKING YEAR TO BE OVER!

Me, who I am, what I do, another warning, and other crap.

Now, onto me in the real world...

I'm 31, I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. One of said children is my step-son who lives in TN (long Jerry Springer like story) so I may not post much about him. We love him and miss him dearly, but circumstances, mostly financial, do not allow him to be with us full time.
I've been married for 10 years and LOVE my husband. We've known each other since 6th grade, went on 1 date when we were 11, stayed friends, but didn't date again until almost 10 years later, then got married a short 2 1/2 months after we did start dating. He works full time+ in the construction field while I do the mom and student thing.
I'm very close to my parents, talk to them daily and we only live 2 miles from each other. My father is currently fighting cancer and, we thought, kicking it's ASS! We got news about a week ago that he has spots on the CT scan in his lungs, so we went to the Doc yesterday and found out that it's metastasized in both. While this sounds horrible and possibly terminal, we did receive good news. He goes for surgery 1 week from today to remove the small sliver of the upper lobe of his left lung where the tumor is, but we have to wait for the right lung due to the TEENY TINY size of the 1 definite spot and to keep an eye on the smaller, also the depth of them within the tissue is a problem. His official diagnosis was "Soft Tissue Sarcoma" and the original problem was a tumor in his right quad muscle. We dealt with chemo, which wasn't as horrible as some, and he's also done the radiation and we received the news of his lungs the day after his last radiation visit. (FML, for sure) The tumor in his leg shows necrosis (it's effin DYING!) and we would have had to wait for about a month for the surgery to remove it to allow the "Microwaved" tissue to heal enough. Unfortunately the Dr told him we have to figure out the lungs thing before the leg can be worked on again (he did NOT say this in a nice way and had I been there, I would probably be in jail), so here we are with that. This is the scariest thing I have ever dealt with in my life (other than the 3 minutes I couldn't find my daughter b/c she was hiding) and I wonder daily if I'll finally have that impending mental breakdown to have the lovely long awaited vacation in Addler (the beautifully redesigned psych ward nearest us).

I have very few friends, purely out of choice, due to their lack of ability to be decent human beings or grow the eff up! It seems that when we got the news about my dad everyone just up and disappeared, so I did the same for them. Now I only get phone calls from those people when they need help with their car, moving or they're in need of money. I say eff those people. It's my turn to be the a-hole that they've been to me since January. The friends I do have aren't very close, but I appreciate them more than they know. Right now, though, my closest friends are my husband, kids and parents. I miss most of these no-longer-friends more than they know, but their petty bullshit pissed me off too much to stick around and wait it out with everything else I was (and still am) dealing with.

I'm a college student, full time. Having done everything backwards from what most of us are taught (school, marriage, kids. Reverse all of that and you have me) Hey, why conform, right?!?! I'm a 31 year old college student working on my AA. I'm majoring in Psych (HA! I'm BiPolar and have Adult ADD) and I'm planning to minor in Theology. I like to figure out why people think, act and feel the way they do and I want to be able to relate those to their religious or spiritual beliefs. I'm fascinated by religion and the ceremony and ritual within a system and I am also appalled at some of the actions taken in the past and present when religious belief has been the excuse. My psychological approach is more of a standing of accountability. It's Humanistic, you need to accept the consequences of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and words and be held accountable for them. This applies to the everyday citizen, teachers, doctors, LAWYERS, and especially our POLITICIANS!
I'm an avid reader. (most of the time) I am in a paranormal fiction phase right now and love the supernatural aspects of fiction novels. I don't do aliens or sci-fi as much and I'm not real big into historical fiction, unless, of course there is a supernatural twist.
I also love to read about "obscure" religions. The less that is publicized or known, the more interested I am. I am most interested in the non-Christian religions, as there seems to be less controversy and coverage of these religions throughout the past. Nothing against Christianity, I grew up going to Catholic school, then to Christian school, I went to church, I read [most of] the book, I know how it ends. I just prefer to look into the basis of other systems and how the function and practice.
Well, this has been MUCH more than I planned to write for my first day of "blogging", so I'll let you [exactly ZERO] readers digest that all and decide if you would like to come back for more at a later time.
Please let me know if you find misspellings within my posts, as I try to catch them, but sometimes think faster than I type. My original plan was to be an English Teacher, but Psychology is more interesting as it changes and spelling really doesn't. lol
Have a great day/night (depending on where you are) and go have an adventure. Just try not to kill or maim yourself or anyone else in the process.
Peace out, Cub Scouts!

I use parenthesis, A LOT. I think they're fun and add a little comedic pause, no matter how unnecessary. I also may come up with a new word for "blog" or try out a few. I don't know why, but the word Blog just sounds ridiculous and I'm not a techy or a nerd, so the act of "blogging" just isn't something I would say I do.

In the beginning, Sinner created this blog.....

A friendly hello to my exactly ZERO readers! lol I'm starting a new venture in blogging. Not that my verbal diarrhea in real life isn't enough, but there are some things that I just can't or won't say out loud or to certain people for various reasons. While I may be a total foot-in-mouth abrasive Aries, I do have a conscience and a minimal amount of tact and my parents and grandparents did teach me manners. (even if I don't always use them)
So, here's the skinny/deal/break down/411 on my thought for this blog (I really think that's a dumb word):

This "space" has been created as a place for me to vent, complain, gloat, whine, philosophize, plan, replan, muse, and just generally get things out. I plan to share my thoughts, ideas, feelings, failures, accomplishments, dreams, fears, frustrations, adventures, escapes, cool new crap I find or buy and just generally my life story. This is a place where I will document, however inconsistently, my trials, tribulations and victories of life as a mother, daughter, wife, sister, student, friend, and all around super-awesome ass kicking person.
The few people that will read this need to know a few things about me and what will go on at this here cyber documentary, without film:
1. I cuss... A LOT, so if vulgar language bothers you, you may very well want to skip reading my postings and find something a little less brash.
2. I tend to be angry and negative, A LOT. I've had some serious issues with trying to be the nice positive person people want me to be, so after 20 years of trying to change who I am, I've decided that I'm just gonna "do me" and say what I want and be who I am and the people who don't like it or me can find someone else to be around.
3. I'm a Pagan, not Christian. While I appreciate and try to respect all religious views as much as I can, the one thing I can't deal with in a tactful manner is people telling me that I'm wrong for believing in what I do. If you plan to preach or proselytize to me, please keep your virtual mouth shut and work on someone else that may consider converting to your belief system. I will NOT be born again, I feel I was born right the first time.
4. I'm a mother of 3 and a wife, but I am NO Suzy freaking Homemaker or June freaking Cleaver. I complain about my husband and children FREQUENTLY. While I DO LOVE THEM and would die for them without a 2nd thought, they irritate me quite often. Some of the time, it's over petty little things, but I will probably offend some and anger others with my parenting and wifely philosophy.
5. ***I WILL BE CUSSING QUITE FREQUENTLY*** This means that this is not a "family friendly" reading place and children under 16ish shouldn't be here reading my horrible language. Plus, you wouldn't want your kids to turn out like me, cause I'm a bad influence, so I'd go ahead and make sure that you use parental controls on your computer if it's shared with kids. lol
6. I'm dealing with a lot of stress, so be prepared to "hear" some things that may make you mad, sad or gasp. I'll most likely be telling you about it here.
7. I have a Facebook and a Twittter account. Twitter is open to anyone wanting to follow, though I don't do much Tweeting, I mostly just follow people there, but once in a while, I have something I feel the need to share with the celebrities that don't follow me back and go ahead and post it. My Facebook account is for people I know in real life, not really for the general populace that just wants a "friends list" of epic volume. I won't be posting a link for it and if you do friend request me, please know that if I ignore or refuse to approve you, it's simply because you may be a crazy stalker and the longer I can go without shooting someone in the face for attempting to rob my house (even though we really don't have much of anything of value) for my children to witness death before their eyes, the happier parent I will be.
8. I have very strong points of view, political, religious and personal. Please don't feel that it's necessary to attack me over them, as I'm 100% positive someone out there will get all "militant fundamentalist" on me and it's just gonna end badly.
9. I'm pretty angry at the moment, about many things. Be prepared to read about them all, cause I don't plan to hold back very much. I have no shame in my feelings and I also don't seem to be able to control them well. I figure that I'm old enough to own them and face whatever consequences my words and actions bring.
10. I'm a student, full time. My time, come Aug 22 may be limited, so this blog may fall to the wayside often. If you're following it and I haven't posted in a few days and you're actually curious about what's going on, feel free to ask me to post something. It may be short, but most likely it will be a friggin novel, kinda like this.

Now that I've covered all of that, think about it and figure out if you can deal with it, or if you are curious and feel free to come back... Or not, whatever. I'll continue to write anyway.

Now go have an adventure, but be careful, there are a lot of crazy people out there. (And you just read a posting from one of them)