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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Ah, stress, how our friendship has blossomed

Well, today is another day and surprisingly I don't feel the need to smash anything or maim anyone, yet. But it IS still quite early.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, did some housework, had to explain to the husband and kids that I am not a slave or maid and I will be limiting the dishes that we are all allowed to use so I'm not spending FOREVER cleaning the ones no one else does. After that continuous hour of bitching and preaching we went over to the 'rents' house so Dad and I could go to another gun shop. Dad wanted to talk to the guy about showing me how to break down the firearm we have, so I agreed. Hey, any excuse to go look at firearms, my testosterone is overwhelming some days. They had a few nice pieces, but nothing that made me drool.
The guy at the counter looked at my handgun and explained that breakdown wasn't really necessary and it was a pain in the ass, so it may be better to skip unless absolutely necessary, and that was that.
The trip was awkward, both there and back. Apparently Dad read an email that I forwarded to my mother and was super pissed off about some of the stuff I mentioned, but he was mad at mom, not me because it was referring to stuff she says about him somedays. Our family is usually quite loud, but yesterday otw to and from the shop, it was almost complete silence.
Then otw home from the shop, my father explains that he's nervous and scared about the cancer and the surgery, but he can't show it in front of my mother because she gets irritated and pissed off. Let me tell you, I come from a family of master fucking communicators. Woo. Until recently with the cancer diagnosis, my Dad wasn't really one to communicate his feelings AT ALL, you never really saw him cry or get truly upset, unless it was at a funeral. If he was upset about something, it usually was only seen through his frustration, cussing and yelling. Now, this sounds really horrible, but this cancer has been a reason and the catalyst for my father to communicate what he's feeling. Let me tell you, it's more of a curse than a blessing.
31 years of reading my father's actions and reading between the lines of what he's saying and all of a sudden there's this life altering news and now he has to throw him discussing feelings into the mix. I'm going to school for psychology, so I know that something of this caliber changes people's attitudes and lives. I knew that before I took a psych course, but when you're living it, it's a bit different. It's all very new and still really REALLY awkward.
Up until late Feb, I had only seen my father tear up or cry maybe 6-8 times in my 30 years and all were funerals, births and my wedding. In the last few months, I've seen my father tear up or cry out of fear, anger, frustration, and who knows what else. Do you have ANY idea how weird that is? He's my father and I love him and most of the time when he cries, it's not something you would notice unless you really knew him or were looking for it, but I see it and it scares the shit out of me. I want to hug him and just sit on his lap when I see it, but I think if I did that, #1 he'd scream in pain, because of the giant tumor in his leg and I'm no small girl, and #2, I am a little afraid that he'd punch me. lol
All this sharing and musing is brought to you today by the pre-op appt I'm going to with him in a few hours. It's hard to explain what's going on in my head or how I'm feeling at anytime, unless I'm super pissed off. (as evidenced by the post from the other day, see "And now I've heard it all...") It's kind of like grieving, but not. I kind of feel like it's not really happening sometimes, other times I feel like it's some cosmic joke that is never ending. Other times I feel overwhelmed by the frustration and lack of control I have over my life right now. And there are some days where I wake up and feel like I'm just floating around watching it all happen from outside my body and it's some massive nightmare. Honestly, I really wish this whole year was just some massive nightmare, between the 2 moves into crappy situations, the lack of money, the cancer and all of the bad news we keep getting. I tend to wonder where all of this is coming from.
I've told you that I'm not Christian, which the few of you here already know, but I wholeheartedly believe in karma and I believe that everything you do pays you back in some form. I'm just really starting to wonder if there was some other life I've lived where I was like some sort of war lord or human trafficker or if maybe I was a slave driver or sweat shop owner, because in less than a 6 month time frame I've had more Universal shitty-ness happen than most people I've met and I don't get it.
Well, I guess that's my morning novel, so I'll go and try to pretend to be normal for another day. I need to shower and get ready to go. I'll probably get another entry up this evening, after the appt and after I go help a friend pack her stuff for her move. I just have to survive the next 33 days of chaos before I have some semblance of normalcy in the form of the fall semester of school. Fingers crossed that we can all make it that long.
Go out and have an awesome adventure, or at least stay out of jail. After all, that's my goal for the day.

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