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Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Thanks for nothing, Mr. Sandman.

It's been months since I've slept well. I don't know for sure if it's just stress, or my mattress sucking, or what. I'm sure these last few days are mostly caused by stress due to tomorrow's Dr appointments for my father and trying to figure out this renewal ceremony that my husband and I have decided to do, but I am tired of feeling exhausted.
Along with the stress, returning we have the paralyzing fear of whatever news could be heard tomorrow. It's going to be a very long and anxiety ridden day. The first appointment is with the musculo-skeletal oncologist. This is the worst appointment to deal with first thing, because from what my father has told me about the Dr, he's quite the douche and I am never in any mood to deal with such activity. Regardless, this is also the man that gives my father the worst news, so I will go and listen and do my best to keep my predisposed rage in check and not end up in jail before noon. Next on the list is the post-op appointment with the thoracic surgeon and some x-rays to check on Dad's progress since the surgery. He seems to be doing well physically, but as I've said he's falling into a depression and I can't fix that.
Yes, I am in school for psychology, but when it comes to family the approach has to be gentle and you have to know when to back off. It's not about asking "How does that make you feel", it's about allowing my father to have whatever emotional reaction he has and then trying to talk to him about it without going all whiny and having a breakdown. THIS is the most difficult part of it all.
I have yet to reach that point in my life where I've been able to build that proverbial wall that stops me from reacting to other's emotions and feeling them as if they were somehow my own. I'm an empath, I have emotional reactions to people that I don't even know and sometimes I react to the emotions of people I can't even see. It sucks sometimes.
I feel like a friggin nut case. I'm fine one minute, the next I have this horrible fear of the worst, the next I'm laughing about how ridiculous I'm being and I know it's all kind of related to grieving. Not in the sense of someone dying, but with something like cancer, people go through grief based on what could happen, not necessarily on what is happening.
We're all dealing ok for now, but we really need something to work out the right way. We need things to turn back in the direction of normal. My father really wants and needs to go back to work, my mother needs counselling and to get out of the house, my kids and I need to get back into the grind of school and homework and I have never looked forward to deadlines and writing papers and research and MATH so much in my life. I crave normal like a meth head craves their death in a baggie.
I'm realistic, I know that getting back into school isn't going to make everything else normal, but it's something I can rely on that is somewhat predictable. I have a syllabus with due dates and I have work that has to be completed with deadlines, so there is some ability to plan for things there. I just kind of wish that I had the same for the home life so I could prepare as well for what's coming. Some warning would be great.
SLEEP WOULD BE BETTER. This falling asleep at 5 a.m. and getting up at 9 is NOT working out. It's not the fact that I'm limited to 4 hours of sleep, I did that for 3 semesters straight, I can hang with that, it's that the sleep that I'm getting starts too late and is NOT real rest. It's tossing and turning and waking up every 20 minutes because I'm not fully asleep and I hear things that wake me up. It's the dreams that are happening in this half-sleep state that have a sound track in the background that I'm not able to decipher if it's happening inside my head or out. It's the fact that when I look in the mirror, I LOOK like I haven't slept in months. I NEED REST.
So, today I will go have coffee with a friend, I will do the yard work (after the rain stops) and I will go running tonight. In my travels of the day I plan to try to find a mild sleep inducing medication and take it no later then 10 tonight in hopes that I can wake around 6 a.m. and get my shower and do what needs to be done before the hell of the day takes hold and sweeps me into the tornado that is my life, for yet another day.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm gonna need a MUCH larger plate...

So, here we are a few days later and it's not that I've been quiet, just a bit distracted. I'm not so great with keeping up with leisurely journals and this is no exception.
Anyway, here's what this last week has brought in to add to an already "up in the air" feeling of mild chaos...
My husband has mentioned a time or two that he wanted to renew our vows on or around our 10th Anniversary. I figured it was just a passing thought and didn't breach the subject for fear of being taken down when that boat capsized. Well, what do I know? I should have because 1 week ago today it was brought up again. This time with a little more intent to actually discuss it. So here I am, gearing up for the kids and I to start back to school, hunkering down for whatever news my father's oncologist is going to throw at our faces and he drops this steaming pile in my lap.
Well, have I got news for him. It's not gonna be like the original wedding. OH NO. He's gonna have to put some work and thought into it too. I've got tons of things bookmarked, I know what colors are needed, I have found a few dress styles, (way less than formal, not that the first time was very formal anyway), I've found some music and I wrote some semblance of what I want to say. He has chosen the perfect song, though. He asked me to look up the lyrics to Sugarland's "Stuck Like Glue" and I did. While I don't like country music AT ALL, it's perfect. So that's 1 song down and I have a few others in mind I would like played. Other than that, the only thing I've decided is that the kids will be involved and that there will be a short form of a hand fasting ritual done. (It's an old Celtic pre-marriage ritual that I'm changing up to suit us and our relationship)
Now, onto the really important stuff. Dad seems to be recovering from surgery fine, physically, but I'm worried about his depression. He still has his sense of humor, but his worry shows on his face almost always now. He got some not so great news the other day, but as I've said, he hears 1 bad thing and stops taking in the information and I didn't know there was an appt or I would have gone. He does have appt's this coming Wed that I am going to, so we'll see what's said then. Hopefully Doc isn't king of the douches that day or I may end up in jail and that would just suck. His musculo-skeletal oncologist is the problem and that's the first appt of the day, then we go to his pot-op with the thoracic surgeon at Moffitt. So next week is full of awesome anxiety.
My son also has a consult with an orthodontist the day after. OY! AND my mother and I are going to go to bridal shops for me to try a few different styles of dresses on to figure out what works best for me. We've talked about getting a driver and taking shots during this process because neither of us do the girly thing well and we like to make jokes about horrible dresses. This is much easier when there's liquor involved.
So, I'm taking these next 2 days to just kind of put around the house, get some cleaning up done and try to ignore the feeling of impending doom, cause come Tuesday, all bets are off and I'll be lucky if I breathe for 3 days.
Well, enough of my blathering, time to shower and become a part of the living world, I guess. Have a great weekend, all. Well, if you do that sort of thing.

Monday, August 1, 2011

It's been a few days

And I really don't have much to say at the moment. Just going through the motions and doing what I need to do, I guess.
Got a bit of school shopping done for the minions, got a few things for me. Got back into running and no pain, yet. Went to the gym today, LOVE the gym. Oh and scored an XBOX 360 from a friend for helping her move. Just wish all the crap for it wasn't so damn expensive.
Gonna try out the NFL Training Camp game on the Wii tonight, too. Finally got a used one for pretty cheap, so I'm excited about that.
Other than that not much going on. Dentist appt for me and my kids tomorrow and Dad has 2 Dr's appts next week, so that's gonna be a crazy week.
Looking forward to getting back into the school routine this week, we're going back to school bed and wake up times. We need the practice, desperately in time to do the real thing before the nightmare begins anew. lol
Well, off to makey da dinnah.
Have a great week!