Well, today was an ok day. Cleaned the guns with Dad and hubby, hubby got under my skin, as per usual and was close to getting stabbed, Dad was in a good mood, hung with the parents for the day, watched the world cup (Awesome job, USA, you'll get those sushi makers next time!) was relaxing for a change. No real cancer talk, except for the plan for pre-op for Dad. Then we come home....
A few days ago I decided it was a good idea to email an old friend that I've known for years. Most of my life, to be honest. My father and her mother have known each other since being teenagers, we grew up together after I was about 11, went different directions in life (I took the douche road, she took a scholarship and college education), lost touch for a while, started getting close again, then Dad's diagnosis hit. We'd hung out, her, her sister, my husband, our kids and I for a few months, very often and had a great time and what I thought was a pretty solid friendship. No using and abusing or back stabbing, really straight-forward almost grown up friendship. She and her sister lost their father to cancer almost a year ago, so when we got the diagnosis, I knew it would be hard for them to hear, but figured that the semi-good prognosis we got would be a little easier and that maybe we did have some people in our lives that understood what we were facing and the fear and anxiety and shock we felt...
Boy was I fucking wrong. After we got the news and finally set up treatment (which only took about a week and a half) I spoke to them the day prior to Dad's first treatment. I told one of them how scared I was and how I'm the kind of person that needs distractions and people around to help me keep my sanity and not completely break down. I know they are the opposite and tend to isolate, but I thought they understood where I was coming from, so when I didn't hear from either of them for 3 months I finally broke down and emailed.
I explained the current situation, said I knew that it was probably hard for them to hear and understood that it was probably something that they had a hard time facing. I also told them how hurt and super pissed off I was that they just walked the fuck away like it was nothing. After all, they've known my dad Since they were about 8 and 11. I explained that I missed them and being able to hang out, but I was also furious that the ONLY people that I thought I could talk to about all of this and who could possibly grasp the fear and anxiety and heartbreak I was experiencing just didn't seem to care. Now, prior to all of this I did ask how they were doing, how their mom was and how school and jobs were going. I also began with the I miss you part, not the "you guys are total dick bags, how could you" part or the "oh, hey, Dad's getting part of his lung chopped off in a week or so" part.
The response I received was infuriating and the reasoning was fucking laughable, AT BEST. I was told that I couldn't possibly understand their feelings about it and that they didn't have a father and I do, so I couldn't see how it upset them. They couldn't deal with how negative I am, mind you I'm the same amount of asshole I was 20 years ago, maybe less, and that it's hard for them to deal with any of this because I still have my dad and it hasn't been a year yet since theirs has passed. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? So, you can't hang around or fucking talk to me for 3 months because my father hasn't died from this fucking shitty cancer? THAT'S YOUR PSYCHO REASON? And I was also told that I needed to back up and analyze myself before giving advice after posting on FB (aka the downfall of humanity and accountability of action and words) that I thought some people needed psych evals and I needed to remove them from my life. Now, that was something I posted, but it was directed at the shitty 20 year olds that bitch about their parents not buying them what they want or that they can't afford that new $45 bra from Victoria's Secret they want and THOSE are the bitches I dropped out of my life. 2 weeks after that I dropped all of the "Unknowns" and acquaintances off my friends list, then in another week or 2 I dropped the rest of the people I didn't feel needed to know what was going on with my father. Then I waited another week after other updates to see if there were many that inquired about how he was dealing with chemo or how his walking was doing or how the rest of us were coping with the newest clusterfuck that was happening before deleting the long time, some life long, friends and relatives that didn't seem to give a rats ass about the situation. They were in the LAST group. That was 1 full month, maybe a little longer AFTER the treatments began. AFTER the phones calls where I left messages, emails and texts when I said I just needed someone to talk to and listen to me vent because I couldn't hold it together on my own. You know how many people responded to any of that? DO YOU? 3, maybe. 3 fucking people out of the 30 or so I thought could be half way decent fucking humans and bother to check on my dad or answer when I call or call when they got my unintelligible sobbing voicemail. Got news for you, neither of those 2 were any of those 3. 1 of them was my mother, so technically it doesn't count, because we were kind of returning the same messages and calls to each other that we were making.
So I ask you this, if you were to have a friend, close or even half way between friend and acquaintance that was dealing with something you'd gone through recently and you were scared because it fucked you all up, would you just walk away and carry on knowing they had no one else other than family that was also dealing with it? What about if you had lost your mother to liver cancer 2 years prior and a friend you've known for 20 years calls and tells you that their mother has stage 3 cancer and has been given 6 months to live? Would you say "Oh so sorry, gotta run, hope it turns out alright. I'll wear a bracelet (that millions of others wear) and write their name on a piece of paper." cause it's awkward and upsetting and then just walk away from the people you grew up with? Or would you be a fucking human and at least call that person, or their parent who's dealing with the disease, just to see how things are going and ask if they wanna go have a drink or wanna go beat the shit out of something to get the anger out?
Would you be jealous and angry, at almost 30, because they still had a parent and yours had passed and use that as a reason not to be a friend?
WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently I'm the asshole cause you hurt me by walking away, but I didn't take into account that it's kinda rubbing it in your face that my Dad's LIVING with cancer, while it took yours. Sorry about that. Next time I'll remember that before I talk to anyone who's lost a parent, child, sibling or spouse about anything I'm dealing with, no matter how long I've known them. After all, why should I be upset or scared since they're at least still hear? I'll wait until they're gone before I bother you with my negativity and harsh your buzz again with my unreasonable fears.
Some of this may sound childish on my part, but I'm pissed off, my feelings are hurt and I have nothing to loose my anger on today but this cyber-notebook.
Hope your night was better than mine and I hope your enemies aren't half as dickish as my "friends".