The worst year of my life and what it taught me

That's me and Dad on the first day of his chemo treatment. It was St. Patrick's Day 2011

Well, to say 2011 has been the most fucked up year I've had to date is probably an understatement. As you've read, we've been through some serious mud courtesy of the Universe. Despite all of this bullshit and horror, it's taught me a lot about myself and the people I have previously and now surround myself with.

For starters, I believed that I would be graduating from college by December of this year. Unfortunately, life had other plans. I also decided to try my hand at the ultimate multi-tasking experience of life by doing the FT college, FT mom and part time employee thing. Don't get me wrong, I've worked most of my life, but when you have a husband who's the breadwinner and haven't worked a regular job in almost 11 years and have crap work history over that time, people don't want to give you the chance to explain that every time your kids are sick, your minimal pay has to be forfeited to take care of those kids so your husband can continue to work at double to triple the pay you make. So, I made the decision to go back to school in lat 2009 as opposed to getting fired for working a minimum wage crap job and getting fired in a few short weeks. This gave me the chance to be around other "adults" and eventually have a future for my family where hubby didn't have to work 80 hours each week for us to survive.
I got a part time receptionist job at a company that was a 13 mile drive (1 way) from home. We then moved from Largo to St. Pete shortly after, making that drive an extra 5 miles longer and it started right after my kids got out of school and was getting me home after they were in bed. My parents were helping a lot and my husband was dealing with the dinner and bed time routine and chores wonderfully. The downfall was that  we decided to keep our kids in school in Largo, so I was driving them to Largo in the mornings, driving back to St. Pete for classes, back to Largo to pick them up, back to St. Pete to my mom's, then I was driving to Palm Harbor to work, then back home to St. Pete when I was done for the night. This wasn't too bad at first, but gas quickly went up to $3.90/gallon and the driving was exhausting. That doesn't even count my instant road rage as soon as I sit in the drivers seat.
A few short weeks after all of this, we were told of my fathers diagnosis. This was maybe a month into my working, about a month into the semester of classes and only a week or 2 into us moving into a new house. (That was falling apart and we soon found out was in foreclosure). But, we were going to figure it out.
Dad started chemo in mid-May, just about a week and a half after diagnosis and it wasn't too bad at first. We handle everything with humor, however inappropriate in my family. I continued to work and go to school, but the job didn't last. I didn't think it was right to burden my parents with watching the kids for me to work with this new pile of shit on their heads. So, I ended up having to leave the job after only working for them for a short 2 1/2 months. It sucked, because I enjoyed working with the people, though the job itself wasn't so great and neither was the mileage.
We got papers from an attorney just a few days after Dad starting treatment, they were requesting a final judgment of foreclosure on a house that we had already dumped almost $2500 out of pocket into in hopes of fixing it up and eventually buying. (Forgot to mention that I was T-Boned first thing in the morning of moving day and that shoulda been a sign) So, I made furious phone calls and was doing tons of research both for school and about the house and about my father's treatments and cancer.
Flash forward to the first few days of May and the end of Spring classes, I made the decision to take the summer off of school to go with my father to Dr's and treatments and spend some time with the kids for the summer.
THAT didn't work out, either. I found a job for cash working as a remodel assistant. (manual labor monkey) busting my butt, knocking up tile, painting and smelling like a 4 day old corpse when I left. I LOVED IT! But we also had to move due to the house situation, so I found a new place and signed the papers and go to work on fixing it up. (This place was a horror story in the making between the paint colors (think slaughtered 80's cartoon characters of all colors in every room) and the cleaning (19 hours on just cleaning the TILE floors)) So, I was working the equivalent of 2 remodeling jobs, doing the mom thing, and going with Dad. It wasn't too bad. I was loosing a TON of weight, too. BONUS!!!!
Here are some before and after photos of the [2nd] house we moved into.

The bedroom before

The bedroom after. 

The kitchen before. OMG!

The kitchen after. GO NOLES! lol

Now, these are the highlights. We didn't do much other than clean for a week and paint for another week and get the carpets cleaned, but it was cheaper and in the area we needed to be close to my parents. This house ended up taking up most of my time and my husband ended up having to go out of town for work, so I had to do the move mostly on my own with my mother driving a few loads to the new place and she helped me paint a bit. I got it all done in a matter of 3 weeks. Including the move and clean up of the old place. Most of it was done while working and taking the kids to and from school and around Dad's appointments and it made me feel wonderful that I was able to do it all and not break down.
All of this running around and moving also caused me to lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight in a short time and made me realize that my head and heart could handle everything as long as I kept moving and didn't sit still. Essentially this is what most call avoidance. I am a fucking PROFESSIONAL! I had moments of panic and uncontrollable sobbing, but then I'd move, walk, rake, lift weights, and it would all stop.
All of this also made me take inventory of the friends I had. The people that we'd been spending time with, dropping everything for and helping out, trying to workout schedules with the meet up and it occurred to me that not a single one of those mofos had bothered to call, stop by, or even send an email. How awesome is that? Other than the ones I posted about before, I had 1 person who seemed to give a crap that I didn't share a bed or DNA with. Linda.

Ignore the mess in the background, but this is me (in the orange) with Linda.

During all of this mess, she was the normal I needed. She let me vent and made me smile and just hung out and helped when we needed it most.
Don't get me wrong, Linda wasn't the only non-relative I spoke to for 9 long months, but she was the one who was there most often and most consistently. I also had Erin K, who bought me the coffee I needed and just allowed me the distraction and venting when her time would allow, there's also Amy who has a busy schedule, but she came over to run with me, hung out for the ceremony we had, and more recently attended a naughty fitness class that was hilarious. I also had Susan aka MS14. She's been super cool to hang out with and helped me work through my frustrations with fair weather friends and she's bought me lunch on days when she's off and we just generally have a good time and talk. She also gives me suggestions and things to think about when it comes to treatments and such with Dad, seeing as how she's a nurse and all. lol
I also have other friends that have a ton going on and I haven't been able to see often like Gary, Crystal and Gina. They all have their own thing going and I love them for the times I do get to see them, or just poke fun at them on face book.
I also reconnected with my old friend Chris and met his amazingly awesomely wonderful wife Leina that I have more in common with than 2 strangers from opposite sides of the country should. Chris and Leina are wonderful friends and they own a tattoo shop and a gym and work extremely hard and have super long hours and live too far away, but when it comes down to it, they're the ones that I can just vent incessantly to, like Linda, and they just take it all.
These are the people that I am the most thankful for. The ones who aren't "brought down" by my negativity. (fucking cheap cop out.)
This year has also taught me that family does not equate to loyalty and reliability. I have family that is genetic, but the majority of them can suck it. Hardly any of them have bothered to even contact my mother or father or I about my Dad and he's THEIR EFFIN BROTHER! Then there's my "nuclear" family. Mom, Dad, and little brother. We're a strong set. Anyone weaker would have broken under what we've dealt with. And then there's my chosen family. My cousin Jen, while genetically related is also a part of the chosen group. She's called me more than almost any of my friends and worries about my father and mother almost as much as I do, I'm sure. There's also the one I like to call Rahkenstein. She is amazingly strong and has no idea. She has a HUGE heart and has so much pain in her past that I don't know how she does it. She has so many medical things going on at any given time that I worry about her every day, but she worries about my family and I just as much. Then there's my in-laws. My husbands wonderful family.

My husband's grandfather had to have his leg amputated due to the shitastic disease myosarcoma. I sat with my husband's family the entire day of the surgery at Moffitt because I knew that feeling all too well. The feeling was still fresh for me, but my husband's boss wouldn't allow my husband to leave work, so I went in his stead. I know it's probably not the same, but I felt like I could do something to help, having been in that exact same chair not 3 months earlier.

On top of all of this crap, we've had both vehicles break down, Dad's been hospitalized twice, my husband almost quit his job, my son skipped his first class, I've cried myself to sleep and thought things would just get worse. Despite all of the bullshit we've gone through this year, we've still managed to do our yearly breast cancer walk and donations, I've held my GPA up and improved it once I went back to classes in August, my husband and I renewed our wedding vows after 10 years of marriage, the kids are doing alright, we had a pretty good Christmas except that it was the first one my father missed my entire life, because he's been in the hospital for 22 days now. For all of that, we've grown stronger as a family and I have become stronger as a person. I'm down 80+ lbs (out of avoidance and a poor attempt to literally run away from it all), my husband got a good report from his Dr on his state as a diabetic, and we've helped my parents with what they needed.
Over all, this has been one really shitty year. One which I can't wait to wish good riddance to. The only good thing to come out of it is knowing that we van handle the worst and not kill anyone in the process.

I will not make resolutions, because it's all just another way to write down something I'll most likely fail at or kick myself for not overachieving. I will say that I will try. I will try to continue on the path of being better at what I've proven to be pretty decent at this far. I will try REALLY REALLY hard to NOT end up in jail or the psych ward. I will try to remember these 3 photos that I took of journal covers I saw in TJ Maxx when Christmas shopping.

And within those you surround yourself with.

I sure as hell hope so.

I try to, as often as possible.

And this one, I need to remember when it comes to everything else in life.

I'm hoping that a metaphorical fire is ok. Literal would be painful.

And THIS is our family motto:

On that note, have a HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR! BRING ON 2012!!!!!!!!!!

F*cking Christmas Season

I gotta say, I hate this time of year. People are generally greedy as hell and gradually becoming more impatient and greedy. My favorite parts of this season are all of the older movies that I watched as a child, the trees and their smells, the cool weather (where applicable) and the time with my family (most of it, anyway).
What I don't like are the reports of home invasions, the reported sickening amount of money people spent on Black Friday and Cyber Monday considering our unemployment, foreclosure and homelessness numbers and the fact the people do stupid mean things to each other like that chick that pepper sprayed her way through Walmart to get to the cheap ass TV that's gonna be broken in a year because her kids really don't appreciate shit. How would they? Look at what that dumbass did to get it for them.
Honestly, if it wasn't for our kids, we wouldn't even bother with anything more than the time with family at my parents' house and maybe a small tree. The tree would be just big enough to scent the entire 1K-ish square feet of our rented and crapilly maintained home. I would continue with trying to donate and help others out when possible, but I wouldn't worry about presents and all of that.
Anyway, we're literally down to the wire at school. I have 1 more day of classes in each course to attend and then it's finals. This is where I begin to stress out for seemingly no reason, but this has been the hardest semester for me yet. That is taking into account the Spring semester when we moved twice and were told about my father's cancer and also last summer's semester where a 14 week course and all of it's assignments are jammed into a mere 8 week semester and that was the one when I had to take a state exam for my math course to determine if I'd be able to move onto a course that would actually COUNT toward my friggin GPA. Well, I'll stress and freak out, as usual, but this time I have 2 simple papers and 1 CTAP final paper to write, proof read, edit, finalize and turn in for my Ethics course, which I'm not even interested in. Unfortunately it's a required course for my 31 year old ass to move on to complete the last 3 requirements in order to finally obtain my AA at 32 at the end of the Spring semester. But I'll do it because I've made a decision. I'll do it because others have assumed that I can't or won't follow through. I'll do it to prove to myself, my husband, my kids and my parents that I can and to make them proud of me for something other than just surviving and for not killing my children. I'll do it because I'll be able to say that I accomplished something I set out to do for one of the few times in my life that wasn't passing a person through my no no lady parts. And I'll do it with all of my awesome and at the honors level that I've worked so hard to earn, regardless if I can afford the pay the $100 dues for the National Honors Society for that shitty little stamp and I'll copy it times a bazillion and frame the original and I'll gloat every day until the summer semester begins my fight to accomplish my BA. And you know what? It'll be just as awesome.
Enough of my bitching and gloating simultaneously. And yes, I'm aware that I went full on adult A.D.D. on this post.
Have a great Sunday tomorrow and go out and have an adventure.

P.S.
Happy Birthday to my mother tomorrow. She deserves a medal and a plaque and a trophy and a fucking bronze statue of herself after dealing with my father and I and then my brother and husband and my kids for as long as she has. But then again, we deserve the same for putting up with her, so I'll just call it even. lol Love you, Mom.

Ah, stress, how our friendship has blossomed

Well, today is another day and surprisingly I don't feel the need to smash anything or maim anyone, yet. But it IS still quite early.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, did some housework, had to explain to the husband and kids that I am not a slave or maid and I will be limiting the dishes that we are all allowed to use so I'm not spending FOREVER cleaning the ones no one else does. After that continuous hour of bitching and preaching we went over to the 'rents' house so Dad and I could go to another gun shop. Dad wanted to talk to the guy about showing me how to break down the firearm we have, so I agreed. Hey, any excuse to go look at firearms, my testosterone is overwhelming some days. They had a few nice pieces, but nothing that made me drool.
The guy at the counter looked at my handgun and explained that breakdown wasn't really necessary and it was a pain in the ass, so it may be better to skip unless absolutely necessary, and that was that.
The trip was awkward, both there and back. Apparently Dad read an email that I forwarded to my mother and was super pissed off about some of the stuff I mentioned, but he was mad at mom, not me because it was referring to stuff she says about him somedays. Our family is usually quite loud, but yesterday otw to and from the shop, it was almost complete silence.
Then otw home from the shop, my father explains that he's nervous and scared about the cancer and the surgery, but he can't show it in front of my mother because she gets irritated and pissed off. Let me tell you, I come from a family of master fucking communicators. Woo. Until recently with the cancer diagnosis, my Dad wasn't really one to communicate his feelings AT ALL, you never really saw him cry or get truly upset, unless it was at a funeral. If he was upset about something, it usually was only seen through his frustration, cussing and yelling. Now, this sounds really horrible, but this cancer has been a reason and the catalyst for my father to communicate what he's feeling. Let me tell you, it's more of a curse than a blessing.
31 years of reading my father's actions and reading between the lines of what he's saying and all of a sudden there's this life altering news and now he has to throw him discussing feelings into the mix. I'm going to school for psychology, so I know that something of this caliber changes people's attitudes and lives. I knew that before I took a psych course, but when you're living it, it's a bit different. It's all very new and still really REALLY awkward.
Up until late Feb, I had only seen my father tear up or cry maybe 6-8 times in my 30 years and all were funerals, births and my wedding. In the last few months, I've seen my father tear up or cry out of fear, anger, frustration, and who knows what else. Do you have ANY idea how weird that is? He's my father and I love him and most of the time when he cries, it's not something you would notice unless you really knew him or were looking for it, but I see it and it scares the shit out of me. I want to hug him and just sit on his lap when I see it, but I think if I did that, #1 he'd scream in pain, because of the giant tumor in his leg and I'm no small girl, and #2, I am a little afraid that he'd punch me. lol
All this sharing and musing is brought to you today by the pre-op appt I'm going to with him in a few hours. It's hard to explain what's going on in my head or how I'm feeling at anytime, unless I'm super pissed off. (as evidenced by the post from the other day, see "And now I've heard it all...") It's kind of like grieving, but not. I kind of feel like it's not really happening sometimes, other times I feel like it's some cosmic joke that is never ending. Other times I feel overwhelmed by the frustration and lack of control I have over my life right now. And there are some days where I wake up and feel like I'm just floating around watching it all happen from outside my body and it's some massive nightmare. Honestly, I really wish this whole year was just some massive nightmare, between the 2 moves into crappy situations, the lack of money, the cancer and all of the bad news we keep getting. I tend to wonder where all of this is coming from.
I've told you that I'm not Christian, which the few of you here already know, but I wholeheartedly believe in karma and I believe that everything you do pays you back in some form. I'm just really starting to wonder if there was some other life I've lived where I was like some sort of war lord or human trafficker or if maybe I was a slave driver or sweat shop owner, because in less than a 6 month time frame I've had more Universal shitty-ness happen than most people I've met and I don't get it.
Well, I guess that's my morning novel, so I'll go and try to pretend to be normal for another day. I need to shower and get ready to go. I'll probably get another entry up this evening, after the appt and after I go help a friend pack her stuff for her move. I just have to survive the next 33 days of chaos before I have some semblance of normalcy in the form of the fall semester of school. Fingers crossed that we can all make it that long.
Go out and have an awesome adventure, or at least stay out of jail. After all, that's my goal for the day.

Dammit. Stole this from my facebook. Is it technically plaigarism if I'm not getting anything out of it?

I feel like I'm at that "just existing" stage right now and I HATE it. I can't explain it, I can't explain what I'm feeling, it's just like an emotional limbo. I feel like I'm waiting. Technically I am, but it's a constant thing. I really want school to start back up. I want to learn and do new things, I want to rush around and do research and write papers and read. I want to take tests and stress about deadlines and scream in traffic when I'm running behind. I want the thrill of the first A of the semester and the disappointment of getting a grade that I know could have been better. I want assignments and due dates and extra credit and the people watching. 

I don't want to wait for another bill collector to call or another day in an 82 degree house all day or another phone call with bad news that's going to make me want to explode and scream and cry. I WANT NORMAL! I want schedules and healthy family members and beer drinking football watching cookout days. I want 100s of 1000s of these days. I DON'T want to feel like there aren't enough of these days left and I don't want to feel like I have to fake smiles and rush the fun. I want this FUCKING YEAR TO BE OVER!